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[09 Dec 2009|07:37pm] |
Only one more week of school.
THANK YOU.
I just want to sleep.
&& I really want to cuddle.
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[07 Dec 2009|10:36pm] |
i swear.
everytime i get over bud, he comes back.
i tried my damnest to not talk to him and therefore get over him.
then steve says something to him about drinking with scotty and i, then he goes on about how for some reason that makes him jealous.
&& how he's told me once he was never going to stop loving me, and he truly hasn't.
fuck.
which of course makes my feelings come back.
i really want to live on the gulf.
it's sooo beautiful there. i love it.
i just want to be at the end of the pier right now.
insteeeaadd i'm fucking stuck in ohio with snow.
it fucking took me a hour and a half to get to school this morning.
it usually takes 30 minutes tops.
fuck you snow!
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[04 Dec 2009|07:16pm] |
Maaaan.
This going to class Monday thru Friday 8am to 4pm is killllling me.
I can hardly stay awake that long. Just sitting here.. and listening. Ugh.
I need shit to change. Seriously.
I really think things always being the same can drive someone crazy.
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[30 Nov 2009|10:34pm] |
I forgot to mention I found one of the people I take care of dead the other night.
I just went to check on her, and she was on the floor.
I ran to her and grabbed her wrist to check for a pulse she was ice cold, and obviously without a pluse.
Then I had to clean her body up and make her look nice for the family. Thankfully a woman I work with came in to help me with the body, since I was clueless.
It was not a good night. =[
Well I'm off work for two weeks after tomorrow.
I have my STNA classes for the next two weeks from 8:30 to 4:30.
Uggh. It's going to suck really bad.
My medical math class is over as of Thursday, THANK GOD.
Theeen medical terminology sometime in January. I need to call about that.
I wish I had a boyfriend.
Sometime to just sit around with. Someone to spend the night with me and cuddle whenever we want to.
I could fix dinners for him from time to time.
Someone to hold me when we watch movies.
I just miss all of that shit.
I wish there was a way for my to meet people.
Hopefully getting that second job will help.
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[26 Nov 2009|10:04pm] |
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I wish I had my 15 year old legs back.
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[24 Nov 2009|08:39pm] |
I'm thinking about going out Friday.
I want a new tv, a flat screen actually.
Annd Wii fit.
annnnnd a new entertainment stand.
Which I plan to hit up ikea for anyway.
I always just buy formyself on black Friday.
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[20 Nov 2009|12:03pm] |
don't hate on the pants.
I'm thinking about getting the same thing on the other side. It's like.. outlining my hips, kind of?
Idk, though. I might just get something else over there evetually.
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[18 Nov 2009|01:11pm] |
I'm off work for five days. Cheaaa.
I went to the hospital today to get started on more school stuff.
Basically I have to teach myself Human Atonomy && Medical Terminology.
Whhhich is going to suck dick.
Buuut I started my period today, which is definitely a huge plus.
After going three months without one I forgot how much I hate them, though.
I've decided if I'm still not in a relationship [i have no life otherwise] by the beginning of the year I am going to get that second job.
&& start school in May.
This is kind of pointless.
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[16 Nov 2009|10:24pm] |
Sooooo.
I'll be done with my prerequisites for the nursing program by mid December.
Sooo. I won't be getting into a program until the May class.
So I'm thinking the first of the year I'm going to get a second job.
I've always wanted to do waitressing. I think I'd be damn good at it.
Except I'm not sure if I want to go to a bigger restaurant or some smaller diner where you have your regular people that you can sit and bullshit with.
I think I'd have more fun at a diner, but make more money at a restaurant. Hmmm.
It's just going to be a few nights a week since I work full time already at a nursing home.
So something needs to happen. Like a new person, or something.
I really need to get over this Bud thing. He is seriously all I think about. ALL I THINK ABOUT.
It's becoming ridiculous.
I think it's because I really didn't have any clousure with him at all when we broke up. It was really weird the way it happened.
But other than my need for more money to pay for school and past loans for school is to meet new people.
I mean.. I work at a nursing home. It's all women. I mean we all actually get along pretty well and all it's just that I seriously have nooo contact with the opposite sex. I want to meet new people. Not just for dating purposes, but friends too. I need something new sooo bad.
Man, I really need to get over this Bud thing. It's seriously killllling me. Bad.
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[14 Nov 2009|08:47pm] |
I wish he'd just fully get over his ex.
We hung out Friday morning. Sat around and talked some.
Sex, of course. Lol. I just love spending time with him even if it's not too often. Different shifts do that.
I'm trying not to worry about it too much. I think I'm doing reasonably well, considering.
I'll just keep hoping, a lot.
I've lost 7 pounds.
Cutting out snacks and just eating less in general has helped a lot.
I want to lose at least 10 more pounds. My stomach is my main concern. My legs are getting kind of big, but nothing too bad.
I wish I didn't love to drink like I do. Cutting out the calories and carbs from all the beer I drink wouldn't hurt, lol.
I missing him so bad.
Buuut trying to stay calm and fine about it all. =]
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[13 Nov 2009|05:34pm] |
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I need to start all over again.
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[12 Nov 2009|10:08pm] |
I really want to pack up and move to Alabama.
If it wasn't for school and how I'm soo close to getting into this nursing program.. I would definitely do it.
I know John would go with me. We could get an apt together.
After our year lease is up I could always come back if I choose to.
It's just soo relaxing there.
So calm. Warmer weather.
I hate living by myself sometimes.
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[11 Nov 2009|05:40pm] |
Is is completely wrong of me to want to sleep with someone else to help me get over Bud?
....is it even more wrong that the person I want to sleep with happens to be a good friend of Bud's?
even if that isn't the reason I want to do him/
He wants to fuck me too, though.
We've messed around and talked about more. But yeah.
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[10 Nov 2009|09:56pm] |
I can't quit going and looking at Bud's ex's Myspace.
Yeahhh.. I'm that crazy. Lol.
She's just not cute. At all. && from what I do know she just seems really immature.
...but I guess that's not fair of me.
Not in a creep way, but I think Bud's off work tonight too.
I drove past his house [i was coming home from the grocery and he lives on the main street i have to go down] and his truck wasn't there.
I mean.. I guess it is sad that I noticed. whatev.
Anyway. I wish these feelings wouldn't have came about that way I could at least maybe be hanging out with him tonight. Ugh. He's probably with his stupid lying ex, though. I'm soo scared he's going to get her knocked up. idk why. But I do. and I know that would absolutely kill me. Completely.
God what I'd give to be with him again.
I want to drink soo bad. But I don't have anyone to drink with. Ugh.
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[08 Nov 2009|08:20pm] |
Jesus I just want it all to end.
and I want these feelings for him to just stop.
I wish I wouldn't have brought any of this up and we could have just stayed friends.
I always do this shit. seriously.
I want him to give me another chance.
and we stay together and everything goes great.
buuuuut i can completely tell he's still too much into his ex.
but it's starting to get a little easier on me, so that's always a plus.
&& to clear my mind walking helps a lot. it's just soo quiet at this park near my house.
i walked 5 miles yesterday, I just couldn't stop.
then today I walked 3 miles.
I feel like I got hit by a fucking bus, but i guess that's a good thing.
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[06 Nov 2009|10:43pm] |
I didn't even bring it up, he did.
he said he's doesn't even know what he wants anymore.
which i completely understand. i mean there's a skinny ugly girl that he sees everyday and still loves.. and then there's me, fat [no ego] and attractive that he still has old feelings for and can hardly see because we work different shifts.
though i do fully understand, it really does suck. really.
she's lied to him twice about hanging out with other guys, annnd they've broken up twice because of that. i was completely faithful.
fuck her dude.
i was able to eat a hamburger and beans at lunch.
that's all i've ate today.
i just feel so sick over thinking about it.
this is sooo unlike me and completely lame.
WHAT HAPPENED TO ME ALWAYS BEING THE COLD HEARTED ONE!? geeeeez.
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[05 Nov 2009|10:23pm] |
like a complete a total dumb ass i go and get on bud's ex girlfriends myspace.
and of course there is recent pictures of them together.
her saying how much she loves him even though they're not together.
and she has hickeys all over her tits.
and they're all cute together in the pictures.
it fucking killed me.
i haven't cried since john and i broke up like a year and a half ago.
until tonight.
i feel like my heart is breaking again. i was reallllly starting to care a lot for him
and he seemed like the same way. agree with me when i said i haven't fully got over him even though we've been broke up for like three years now. he said he still had feelings.
having sex with him over the past week or so hasn't help at all.
i feel like complete hell. seriously.
this is the one thing i wouldn't wish upon annnnnyone. it's definitely the worse feeling eveerrr.
jesus.
i'm such a idiot for getting on her myspace. i know i shouldn't have. for this very reason.
uggggggh. i just wanted to be with him. so very bad.
well i'm not going to have sex with him anymore.
shit's over. i'm not even going to hang out with him anymore.
this feeling hurts soo bad. man.
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[04 Nov 2009|06:52pm] |
So I know the reason I weight soo much is because of all of the carbs I eat.
I decided that I'm no longer going to buy all of the breads and pasta that I usually do.
I'll buy more healthy foods.
&& learn to like fish.
I really want to lose 20 lbs.
When John and I broke up I lost 20 lbs and I was soooo much happier with my body.
With being almost 5'9 I already weigh a lot. But I'd simply like to be happy with myself. I really wish I had more self discipline. That's a big problem.
annnnnyyywaayyy.
I'm starting to get realllly strong feelings for my ex again. [not John, the one before him]
We've hung out a few times and drank.. which of course resluts in us having sex.
I swore to myself I wouldn't have sex with him anymore because of the feelings.. and if course.. I did two nights ago.
I mean the sex is reallllly good so it's super hard to turn down.
But he gives me mixed feelings. Like sometimes he seems interested in me, then we will go days without talking.
He's not the typical asshole guys at all. He's one of those super cute caring guys.
But these feelings I'm getting for him are killing me. I'd love to get back with him.
Shit's confusing.
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[29 Oct 2009|07:46pm] |
no phone call or text.
he made an ex girlfriend comment so i do know he's not gay.
which means he must have a girlfriend.
he was flirting and saying i was pretty too much to not be interested.
/// hanging out with my ex tonight.
i was hoping to get lucky.. but now one of his friends are tagging along.
lol. oh well.
shower then some homework before i go hang out with them for a while.
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